1. Sex (drugs and alcohol) = DEATH
2. Never say "I'll be right back..."
3. Never go to check on your friends…chances are they are dead already
4. If you are baby-sitting, never invite your boyfriend over
5. If you are female, never show your breasts
6. If you are female, never wear tight clothing
7. A combination of 4, 5 and 6 shows you are easy, lacking in any virtue and expendable
8. Stay a virgin – trust me, you will survive
9. Under no circumstances should you enter any dark place
10. Don’t answer the phone
11. Never go outside to investigate a strange noise
12. Never just stand there crying, mourning the loss of dead friends. RUN! You are next!
13. Never unmask the killer. This is guaranteed to really annoy him/her
14. If you wear glasses, invest in some contact lenses, otherwise you are always the first to go
15. Don’t hide in the wardrobe…that’s the first place the killer will look
16. When it seems you have killed the monster, never check to see if he/she is really dead. The killer will always come back for one last scare…normally shrieking out in a high-pitched scream…this should at least alert you that something is about to happen. Psycho killers rarely do anything quietly
17. Don’t go back into the house where a psychotic killer might be, even though you have just escaped from there. What are you, stupid or something?
18. Never walk backwards, you will either run into the killer or the dead body of a friend or loved
one
19. If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window,
don’t assume it is the house settling or the wind
20. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try and start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to ignite the engine many times before it fires…
21. Actually check that you have your car keys with you in the first place
22. Do not search the basement or attic, especially when the power has gone out
23. If you are male, get out of there as fast as possible. There will ever only be one survivor…and it will be female
24. Don’t open any closed door, curtain, or window…or anything closed really
25. Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are the line will be dead….as will you be at any moment
26. While we are on the subject, never leave home without a fully charged mobile phone that has full credit
27. Talking of which, if you answer the phone and hear heavy breathing at the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you
28. If you are not the main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out – and a lot less messy
29. No matter how fast you run from a psychotic killer, he will always get you, even if he is considerably slower than you are
30. If you are planning your next holiday avoid recently re-opened summer camps or log cabins in the middle of the forest. Stick to the Isle of Wight – much safer
31. Suspect everyone
32. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone
33. If the young girls of the neighbourhood sing songs about the town bogeyman while jumping rope, consider moving…
34. However, make sure that nothing tragic or sinister has ever happened in your new home in the past, which is why it has been empty for so long and was ridiculously cheap
35. Always make sure that your friends are slower, weaker or dumber than you are
36. Never watch a horror film while you are in a horror film. You might give the psycho some new ideas of how to kill you
37. Falling asleep is generally a bad idea. Start panic buying extra strong coffee
38. If you are running from the killer, expect to trip up at least twice, more if you are female
39. In fact, something will trip you up even though there is nothing in front of you that could realistically trip you up
40. Sharp objects and soft skin do not go together
41. Personal hygiene must be put on hold until the killer is definitely finished off. Do not even think of having a bath or a shower. In fact, never step inside a bathroom. Okay, you will start to smell a bit, but no one is going to want to have sex with you – which might just save your life
42. Learn the art of listening and compromise – it is usually the loud-mouthed bitchy ones who can’t stop complaining who will end up dead, sooner or later
43. Consider doing a degree in urban legends. That way you will know every possible plot line and therefore keep you safe. However, do not take the degree at college or university. This is a fertile killing ground for psychos…one of whom is more than likely to be on your course
44. If, at some time in your past, you happened to sell your soul to the devil, dabbled with a ouija board, had your fortune told, or played a cruel and heartless prank on someone, then you are definitely screwed
45. If you are a member of the local police force, a private detective, a priest or a helpful passer-by, your life will be abruptly ended
46. Celebrate being a geek – you may be the eventual hero/heroine
47. However, if you are the geek who was tormented, bullied or ignored in the past, then you WILL have your bloody revenge
48. Be part of a happy, functional, regular family hiding no tragic or sinister past. If not, consider being adopted
49. Learn how to use a weapon properly. Learn how to keep hold of it, rather than dropping it in fright and allowing your would-be killer to use it against you
50. Make sure that all passengers in your car are the ones that you are meant to have. Always check the back seat
51. Running upstairs to the bedrooms or bathroom leaves you at a dead end and a messy death
52. Running downstairs to the cellar leaves you at a dead end and a messy death
53. You know where the front door is…USE IT!
54. Whimpering, whining or screaming tends to give away your hiding place
55. Be as ruthless and resourceful as the killer, but without the murderous tendencies. It would also help if you are a semi-attractive, virginal, teenage girl
56. Be vigilant of anyone wearing a mask of any description – and that includes going to fancy dress parties…
57. In fact, become a recluse and never socialise with any one
58. If you are cornered by the killer, engage him in conversation. Psychos simply love to talk, at length, as to why they are carrying out this murderous rampage. This may give you time to think of a cunning plan to get away. However, make sure that you are not naked at this point. In case you hadn’t already guessed, not being fully clothed is like signing your own death warrant
59. Don't ask stupid questions. If you find yourself having to say "Who's there?" or "Bob, is that you?" in a darkened environment, the chances are you really don't want to hang around for the answer
60. If you are about to finish school, college or university, then don’t bother going to the graduation party. No doubt you upset at least one person during your time there – the same person who has been plotting a grisly revenge. Stay at home and get them to post your results to you
61. Respect old people. If they tell you to stay away from somewhere, THEN DO IT! The reason they have lived to a good age is because THEY didn’t do what YOU are about to
62, Cats have a habit of jumping up and scaring you. When you realise it is just your beloved pet, you relax and breathe a sigh of relief, unaware that right behind you is a masked psychopath with a very large blade. Also, according to folklore, cats are in league with the Devil. Whichever way it is, Tiddles has to go!
63. Do not take an evening job delivering pizzas. For some reason psychopathic killers have an irrational dislike for anyone wearing an embarrassing corporate baseball cap while holding a twelve inch square cardboard box. Armed only with a ‘Meat Feast’ is simply no match for a chainsaw
64. If you hear the snapping of twigs when you are out for walk in the woods, do not assume it is cute, cuddly woodland creatures. It normally is the imminent sound of certain death
65. Trust no one
66. If you have followed all these rules, and you have survived, well done…sorry to be the one to break the news to you but…you WILL die in the sequel
Oh, and the .6? Well known fact that if you appear in the first ten minutes of the film you will have a one in six chance of either being the killer or being killed
Sweet dreams…
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